Last Friday, I came home to Johan looking like this:
MIL told me that Johan got the wound near his eye when a pencil, which he and his cousin were fighting over, hit him, while the wound on his cheek, she didn't have a clue how Johan got.
I was trying so hard controlling my anger that I barely heard the rest of the story how Johan ended up with wounds on his face. There were so many things I wanted to say like, "how many times do I have to remind everybody in the house that Johan is not supposed to get hold of all things sharp, pointed and heavy", "how in the world would one not know how Johan got that long wound across his cheek". But, I kept my mouth shut knowing that like me, my MIL surely didn't want that to happen and probably she's feeling more guilty than I am at that moment.
Yes, I was feeling guilty and I cried out of that guilt. I even talked to hubby over YM and told him how I was feeling. This might not have happened if I didn't go back to work and was still a full time SAHM to Johan. Before I went back to working, I was a super hands-on Mom - I didn't let Johan out of my sight for one second, he didn't have access to anything sharp or pointed or heavy, I made sure he wore pajamas before he went out of the house so he won't have wounds on his knees when he falls down and I'm always, always near him to catch him before he even falls.
I'm sure most moms understand me and like most working moms, I am struggling. I am struggling to keep a certain balance between my career and my family. I am struggling to make the most out of my time to spend every spare minute I have with my son - even if that meant sacrificing a well-deserved rest that I badly needed these days.
Last Friday night, I hugged my son tight and said sorry over and over. I'm sorry for not being there to keep him from getting hurt. I'm sorry that I have to spend a whole lot of time separate from him. And I'm sorry I'm missing so much of his growth.
I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise.
-- Meredith Gray