I miss Johan terribly since I started working again. It's kind of a good thing that phones are prohibited in our working areas so that takes my mind off texting my MIL every so often to check on Johan. I am only able to call during lunch.
Since my first day out of the house, Johan never cried. Yes, he now wakes up the same time I do but once I turn on the television and tune in to the Baby First Channel or Disney Jr., I am free to do what I have to do before going to work - like prepare my "baon", wash his bottles, prepare what he will wear for the day, line up his vitamins, make lists and prepare myself for work.
But, yesterday was different. He cried when I went out of the house and was still crying when I boarded the jeepney. That's when I realized how hard it is to leave him behind. I wanted to get off the jeepney and return home to him. It felt like my heart was being crushed and I was in tears myself. Even when I recounted the story to my officemate, I felt like crying. It made me think if I am really doing the right thing of going back to work.
I sent a text brigade to my sisters, my mom and my cousins who are moms themselves. I am sure they'll understand how I was feeling and I trust they'll give me good advice. Unsurprisingly, they did understand and they all said the same thing - it is just a phase. It will pass and there will come a time when Johan will get used to me going to work but he'll know that I will always return home at the end of the day.
When I stayed at home with Johan, it was hard doing all the work - taking care of him, doing the housework, trying to be a good wife to husband - but now that I am a working mom, I now understand it is doubly hard. I have to be in control of my emotions every morning when I leave for work and I have to keep myself from worrying too much if Johan's doing okay at home.
All moms would love to be always there for their kid, their presence in their kid's life is tantamount to the kid's well-being but I'd like to think that it is otherwise. The child's presence in his mom's life makes all the difference and it is not really great to be apart 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. =(
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