What They Didn't Tell me About Motherhood

I received lots of advice on motherhood since I became one in 2010 when I gave birth to Johan. Back then, I was told how to raise a kid, how not to spoil my child, how to discipline. The advice changed when I became a Mom to two boys in 2014 after giving birth to Jeron. Now, the advice vary from how to prevent sibling rivalry, what to do when the boys start fighting, how not to show favoritism.

Yet, 7 years into this and still there are more than a few times that I surprise myself with the learnings, my emotions and my patience (or the lack thereof). So, here I am, listing down the good and the not so good things I learned while being Mom.

The Struggle to be a Good Mom

Breath.

Don't shout.

1,2,3,4,5....


I failed. I shouted again at my two kids aged 6 and 2 years old. This happened one evening this week when I just arrived home from work and upon checking my 6 year old's school diary, I found out that I still need to prepare for project materials that are needed the next day. And to think that I just did the same thing for 3 other subjects the previous night. I had to cram - turn on the laptop, do some research, print, gather the materials - all of that while the 2 year old is crying and the older one is being his usual rowdy self running around the house teasing his little brother.

The long list of school project materials of my first grader

I've had it. It has been a stressful week with both kids being sick, me with very little sleep and school assignments and projects piling up. That particular night, I was tired and hungry and wet from the rain. So, I lost it. My meltdown was so bad, I was screaming for at least five minutes at my two sick boys, begging them to shut up.

I was a bad mom at that moment. There was no doubt about it and nothing, not even my lack of sleep, is reason enough for me to behave that way.

I'm struggling to apply positive parenting but fails each and every time. I can't do it. The pressure at work, the clingy youngest kid and the loud eldest kid gets to my nerves and I shout. I was never a yeller. My husband even noticed this, he told one time "You were very patient when we first met but since the kids arrive, you became short-tempered and you get mad easily."

What happened?

Work, traffic, house chores, yaya problems, demanding first grade school stuff, active toddler. Those are what happened and the reasons why I am such a lousy mom these past few days.

I have to remind myself that the kids are watching, whatever I say and do will be mimicked by two boys, they might think my behavior is normal. I have to be mindful of my actions and how it will affect my kids.

Also, I should never forget that all of these are temporary anyway. The kids will grow up and soon I will be left with a clean house, no more assignments to help with, no more loud kids to shush.

I've got a long way to go but for now, I'll just take this one day at a time, let these kids be kids, take a deep breath and be grateful that I survived yet another day.

My Life with Boys

It's 2017, 3 years since my last post. Saying that life has been busy is an understatement! Life has been more than busy since 2014 - it's been tiring, hectic, tiring again. But beyond the tired there is also happiness and love.

Before I gave birth to Jeron, my constant fear was will I have enough love for two boys. I felt then that I have given Johan all the love there is to give that I don't have any left for a second child. Oh how mistaken I was! As soon as Jeron came it felt as if my heart has expanded to double it's size and I have more than enough love for my boys. How amazing a human heart really is!

Being a mom of two has been busy add to that the fact that I have a full time day job. As soon as I arrive home, my boys, both excited to see me, will be all over me. Johan will be talking nonstop about how his day went while Jeron will just be too clingy and won't let me out of his sight. Believe me, I used to want this much attention when I was younger but there are days when I dream to have a quiet moment of rest after a day at the office. 

That is the reason why it took me a long time to blog again. I've been busy -  with motherhood, with work, with life. But Jeron is turning three in October, he has started learning to play with his Kuya which gives me a little more time of solitude. Right now, they're both nursing a fever, I have just sprayed the room with disinfectant and we are in the living room watching Disney Jr. 

So maybe this is the continuation of my blogging life. Hopefully. :)

That One Last Pill

Before Johan, I didn't even want to have kids. Not because I didn't like kids but because I am deathly afraid of needles and hospitals. I thought to myself, how could I even raise one when I can't even shake off my fear of that minuscule flu vaccine needle. But now I have Johan - not because I got over that fear of needles but the fear of my body clock ticking away my chance of becoming a mother proved far scarier for me.

Giving birth to Johan after a very long, difficult labor, was well worth it. Facing my fear of the hospital, of the many blood samples taken and tested and eventually that painful epidural prick at my spine - everything was worth it when I finally saw my son. I embraced motherhood with my whole heart and soul and I am loving it up to this day.

Three years into motherhood and I have learned to be strict yet lenient, strong yet fearful and most of all, I learned to live in the moment. I try to enjoy every minute I get to spend with Johan - to do what he wants to do, make a mess, paint, color the walls, draw circles, dance, sing, march, salute - because I know that soon my little man won't be so little anymore. What used to be my little chubby baby is now an active, taller toddler who refuses to be called "baby" because according to him he is now a "big boy". Aww.. How time flies..

He'll turn three in October and will start school next June. I will be thirty-four by then. Thirty-four: the number that my husband blurted out last weekend that started all this thinking and worrying.

"Thirty four ka na next year. Baka mahirapan ka na magbuntis kapag pinatagal mo pa."

Those are his words or close to what he actually said. I was taken by surprise. Yes, we talked about having another baby but with the car loan and the plans of home renovation right after we're done paying for the car made me think that giving Johan a sibling would be far from the present. Very far, like three years from now at the very least. It definitely did not cross my mind that it'll be next year or just a few months away since I'll be 34 in January.

I am panicking. Seriously. Eventhough we discussed having another child, I was unsure if I truly want another child. It feels like I've given Johan all the love that I can give and all the attention that I can provide. I worry that I might not love the new baby like I love Johan or that I won't be as doting to Johan as I used to since I have a new baby to take care of. I'm scared that Johan might grow some resentment towards the baby because I may spend more time with the little one than with him. I'm afraid that we'll suffer financially because of the additional expenses that a new baby brings into the home plus Johan's starting school next year and we all know how expensive kindergarten can become these days. With that thought, whatever would happen to us when they enter college?

Yeah, yeah, my son's not even started school and I am now thinking about college. I am a worrywart. That's just how I am.

My husband consoled me telling me that mothering a second child would come naturally for me. My heart would expand to accommodate the new baby and Johan would eventually understand that a new baby does not mean we love him less but instead he'll know that we love him that much to give him a sibling so he'll still have "family" with him if in case hubby and I are no longer here. As for the financial part, well, we just have to work even harder.

I am not going to deny that I am still scared. My fears are humongous and I am having a hard time pushing them away. But on the other hand, I decided that it is best to face my fears head on. So, I am giving in and I am giving up.

I am giving in to the husband and giving up the pill.

We'll see what happens next. :)

P.S. Does anyone know how to make a baby girl?

Sorting Shapes

This is another good find from Pinterest and when I saw this, I instantly thought my son would love it! So, I cut the shapes last night when he was sleeping and surprised Johan when he woke up this morning.

I first taped one of each shape onto the wall for Johan to follow. He's pretty much too excited to stick all the shapes that I can see him getting impatient with me while I cut the tape and give him just one shape at a time.

 

I love it that he tells me the shape before taping it to the wall and even though they're not in perfect alignment, I am just too proud that my son already knows his shapes. This might be a good idea to teach him the alphabet, too, don't you think?

We'll do it next time and maybe colors too.

Mommy Burn Out

Yep, that's exactly how I feel today. I feel so tired, so stressed out and so frustrated that I honestly want to put that sign up on my forehead.

I'm sure most moms with toddlers (specifically boys) would understand what I'm going through. The little boy's been having the most terrible terrible two's ever (though he's about to turn three this year) and it's driving me nuts and almost over the edge. We went to the grocery after hearing mass today and he's been very, very difficult. The attitude continued on til we arrived home.

I wanted to get out of the house, to escape and to regain the balance that I'm so sure got lost somewhere within the chaos. But, I am feeling very guilty of leaving on a weekend, the only time that I can be with my son. But, I don't like the person I am right now. I'm angrier, shouting at the littlest of things and I feel unappreciated. I even ignored my son a few times today because I am really, really tired of shouting and the husband even gave me that judging look. Hello, am I not allowed to get tired? I've been working 40 hours a week, I shift to Mommy mode the minute I step into the house and I still cannot have just a few minutes of silence during the weekends because there are a lot of things (and people) that needs my attention.

Yeah, I know. I am angry. Am I a bad mother for having mommy burn out?

I read various articles online about motherhood burn out and I became worried when I read that this may lead to depression should nothing be done about it this early. This article's been very helpful, Mommy Burn Out, 6 Ways to Lose It.

"Lose the guilt: Don't feel like you're a bad Mom because you feel burnout from time to time. In fact, you are probably a very conscientious Mom who is neglecting her own needs!"

I just need to get over feeling guilty so I can take better care of myself and in turn, take better care of my son.

To say that parenting is difficult is one huge understatement.