I failed. I shouted again at my two kids aged 6 and 2 years old. This happened one evening this week when I just arrived home from work and upon checking my 6 year old's school diary, I found out that I still need to prepare for project materials that are needed the next day. And to think that I just did the same thing for 3 other subjects the previous night. I had to cram - turn on the laptop, do some research, print, gather the materials - all of that while the 2 year old is crying and the older one is being his usual rowdy self running around the house teasing his little brother.
|The long list of school project materials of my first grader|
I've had it. It has been a stressful week with both kids being sick, me with very little sleep and school assignments and projects piling up. That particular night, I was tired and hungry and wet from the rain. So, I lost it. My meltdown was so bad, I was screaming for at least five minutes at my two sick boys, begging them to shut up.
I was a bad mom at that moment. There was no doubt about it and nothing, not even my lack of sleep, is reason enough for me to behave that way.
I'm struggling to apply positive parenting but fails each and every time. I can't do it. The pressure at work, the clingy youngest kid and the loud eldest kid gets to my nerves and I shout. I was never a yeller. My husband even noticed this, he told one time "You were very patient when we first met but since the kids arrive, you became short-tempered and you get mad easily."
Work, traffic, house chores, yaya problems, demanding first grade school stuff, active toddler. Those are what happened and the reasons why I am such a lousy mom these past few days.
I have to remind myself that the kids are watching, whatever I say and do will be mimicked by two boys, they might think my behavior is normal. I have to be mindful of my actions and how it will affect my kids.
Also, I should never forget that all of these are temporary anyway. The kids will grow up and soon I will be left with a clean house, no more assignments to help with, no more loud kids to shush.
I've got a long way to go but for now, I'll just take this one day at a time, let these kids be kids, take a deep breath and be grateful that I survived yet another day.