That One Last Pill

Before Johan, I didn't even want to have kids. Not because I didn't like kids but because I am deathly afraid of needles and hospitals. I thought to myself, how could I even raise one when I can't even shake off my fear of that minuscule flu vaccine needle. But now I have Johan - not because I got over that fear of needles but the fear of my body clock ticking away my chance of becoming a mother proved far scarier for me.

Giving birth to Johan after a very long, difficult labor, was well worth it. Facing my fear of the hospital, of the many blood samples taken and tested and eventually that painful epidural prick at my spine - everything was worth it when I finally saw my son. I embraced motherhood with my whole heart and soul and I am loving it up to this day.

Three years into motherhood and I have learned to be strict yet lenient, strong yet fearful and most of all, I learned to live in the moment. I try to enjoy every minute I get to spend with Johan - to do what he wants to do, make a mess, paint, color the walls, draw circles, dance, sing, march, salute - because I know that soon my little man won't be so little anymore. What used to be my little chubby baby is now an active, taller toddler who refuses to be called "baby" because according to him he is now a "big boy". Aww.. How time flies..

He'll turn three in October and will start school next June. I will be thirty-four by then. Thirty-four: the number that my husband blurted out last weekend that started all this thinking and worrying.

"Thirty four ka na next year. Baka mahirapan ka na magbuntis kapag pinatagal mo pa."

Those are his words or close to what he actually said. I was taken by surprise. Yes, we talked about having another baby but with the car loan and the plans of home renovation right after we're done paying for the car made me think that giving Johan a sibling would be far from the present. Very far, like three years from now at the very least. It definitely did not cross my mind that it'll be next year or just a few months away since I'll be 34 in January.

I am panicking. Seriously. Eventhough we discussed having another child, I was unsure if I truly want another child. It feels like I've given Johan all the love that I can give and all the attention that I can provide. I worry that I might not love the new baby like I love Johan or that I won't be as doting to Johan as I used to since I have a new baby to take care of. I'm scared that Johan might grow some resentment towards the baby because I may spend more time with the little one than with him. I'm afraid that we'll suffer financially because of the additional expenses that a new baby brings into the home plus Johan's starting school next year and we all know how expensive kindergarten can become these days. With that thought, whatever would happen to us when they enter college?

Yeah, yeah, my son's not even started school and I am now thinking about college. I am a worrywart. That's just how I am.

My husband consoled me telling me that mothering a second child would come naturally for me. My heart would expand to accommodate the new baby and Johan would eventually understand that a new baby does not mean we love him less but instead he'll know that we love him that much to give him a sibling so he'll still have "family" with him if in case hubby and I are no longer here. As for the financial part, well, we just have to work even harder.

I am not going to deny that I am still scared. My fears are humongous and I am having a hard time pushing them away. But on the other hand, I decided that it is best to face my fears head on. So, I am giving in and I am giving up.

I am giving in to the husband and giving up the pill.

We'll see what happens next. :)

P.S. Does anyone know how to make a baby girl?