A few posts back, I wrote about my anxieties on becoming a first time mom. I've had high and low points on my first two weeks as a new mom, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride everyday.
There are times that the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes gets to me making it harder for me to function the entire day. I do get frustrated when I can't stop my son from crying even after trying different positions of carrying him and he just stops when he was carried by a different person. It irritates me sometimes when another person beats me to my son whenever he is just starting to cry. I know they only meant to help but please allow me to become a mom to my son first. It panics me and sends me to tears whenever my son vomits and some of it comes out from his nose. I hate how I smell the whole day - a combination of baby's vomit, urine and my own breastmilk until I can have a decent bath at the end of the day only to smell the same again after only an hour.
But, I love it when my son smiles in his sleep making me want to come into his dream to know what he's smiling about. I love it that he already recognizes my voice and instinctively moves his head to where my voice was coming from. I love our bedtime routine of sponge bath, change of clothes and me singing to him some nursery rhymes - I could tell that his favorites are Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Rock-a-Bye Baby because he usually drifts off to sleep after I sang these two songs over and over. I love the sweet smell of my baby's breath, the way his fingers curl to hold one of mine, his cute little feet and soft chubby cheeks. I love how he coos back in return after I whisper, "I love you, Anak." as if to say, "I love you, too, Mommy."
I know there will be more things to come, expected or unexpected. I maybe ready, I maybe not. But, I'll take everything a little at a time, one new Mommy step at a time.
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