A Working Mom's Struggle

Last Friday, I came home to Johan looking like this:

MIL told me that Johan got the wound near his eye when a pencil, which he and his cousin were fighting over, hit him, while the wound on his cheek, she didn't have a clue how Johan got.

I was trying so hard controlling my anger that I barely heard the rest of the story how Johan ended up with wounds on his face. There were so many things I wanted to say like, "how many times do I have to remind everybody in the house that Johan is not supposed to get hold of all things sharp, pointed and heavy", "how in the world would one not know how Johan got that long wound across his cheek". But, I kept my mouth shut knowing that like me, my MIL surely didn't want that to happen and probably she's feeling more guilty than I am at that moment.

Yes, I was feeling guilty and I cried out of that guilt. I even talked to hubby over YM and told him how I was feeling. This might not have happened if I didn't go back to work and was still a full time SAHM to Johan. Before I went back to working, I was a super hands-on Mom - I didn't let Johan out of my sight for one second, he didn't have access to anything sharp or pointed or heavy, I made sure he wore pajamas before he went out of the house so he won't have wounds on his knees when he falls down and I'm always, always near him to catch him before he even falls.

I'm sure most moms understand me and like most working moms, I am struggling. I am struggling to keep a certain balance between my career and my family. I am struggling to make the most out of my time to spend every spare minute I have with my son - even if that meant sacrificing a well-deserved rest that I badly needed these days.

Last Friday night, I hugged my son tight and said sorry over and over. I'm sorry for not being there to keep him from getting hurt. I'm sorry that I have to spend a whole lot of time separate from him. And I'm sorry I'm missing so much of his growth.


I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise.
-- Meredith Gray



:(

Community Awareness - Lake Seeding and Tree Planting

Yesterday, I (together with my batchmates from work), woke up early in the morning to do something worthy for the environment. We participated in the Lake Seeding and Tree Planting Program spearheaded by the City of Muntinlupa. This is part of our company's Community Awareness Program.

We we're all prepped to working under the sun planting trees but we were all clueless what Lake Seeding means. It appeared that Lake Seeding meant releasing Tilapia fingerlings at the Laguna de Bay. I didn't understand at first how this could help the fishermen seeing all the fish cages installed in many parts of the bay until the person from the Laguna Lake Development Authority explained it to us.

The fish cages or fish pens are all owned by private individuals. Private individuals are the fish pen operators who more or less have the means financially to breed, raise and farm Tilapia.With the many fish pens installed along Laguna de Bay, this leaves just a small area for the humble fishermen to fish which means less catch and income for our lowly "mangingisdas".

When I understood the greatness and the long term effect of what the program is aiming for, I felt truly honored to have been chosen to participate in something as life-changing as this. In my own little way, I am able to help others and that feels really good.

All companies truly should have a community awareness program and be active in their own community activities that would benefit the environment and our fellow Filipinos.

Here are some photos from yesterday:

The early morning sun greets us warmly

The rickety bamboo bridge that we had to pass to go to the floating bahay kubo
where we were briefed and had breakfast and lunch.

Our very filling meal - hardboiled eggs, rice, tuyo, indian mango ensalada,
hotdogs, pork adobo and inihaw na talong

The Tilapia fingerlings

Our "port" - ladder made of bamboo

Boarding time

Our 30-minute banca ride. I just had to say that this is the scariest part of the activity
because we had to ride a banca without "katigs" on either side and we were standing up
because the banca has no seats.

Fish pens

Releasing the Tilapia fingerlings

Tree planting

Me and my awesome batchmates

It truly was a great experience and I will be very happy to do it again.

Monday Madness

As I boarded the passenger van I usually ride on my way to the office, I saw this unique but very ridiculous car. Or maybe it's just me.

Sorry for the blurred photo, I was just using my BB camera and the CRV's already moving

Why would anybody want to have their cars repainted and put the Louis Vuitton logo all over. It's not as if the car was designed by LV or something. Same thing goes for those customized pillowcases and bedsheets and curtains bearing the LV logo. I just don't get it. Or again, maybe it's just me.

Monday's already over, just four more days to go and it'll be weekend again. I hope you all had a productive first-day-of-the-week as I did.

Here's another Monday madness photo, me stealing a quick photo op inside the office comfort room. Hehe.

Sleeveless Blouse: Marks and Spencer

Goodnight everyone!

Holiday at the Hospital

Holiday announcement posted on the elevator door

Yesterday was Muntinlupa Day and since I am now working in Muntinlupa City, I, together with the rest of the employees, were given an off day from work.

I was so excited not to wake up early to cook my baon and to spend the day with Johan but I remembered I had so many errands to do - like pay the bills and do a bit of grocery - plus Johan's been coughing for a week and yesterday was the only time we'll be able to visit his pedia.

We were already at the hospital at 9:30am, his pedia's clinic starts at 9am and ends at 2pm. But, the pedia's secretary informed  me that Dr. Caparas won't arrive until 11am. Now, that's a really, long wait and with an active toddler, "really long wait" is such an understatement.

I could have went out first and paid the bills but it will too much of a hassle to go out and return to the hospital, add to that the extreme heat outside. It's been so hot these past few days it's like we're already in the middle of summer.

Anyway, since we have to wait for his pedia to arrive, I allowed Johan to run around the hospital because I cannot carry his entire 12-kilo weight the entire time. Here are some photos:

Up and down he went on the waiting area chairs

From one row to the other

Turning the bars on the window grills

Trying to open the glass window...

Trying again and again...

...and kicked it out of frustration. Hee hee!

Even if you're super kulit, you are still a cutie, anak!

I was able to finish everything I planned on doing yesterday and  was able to spend some quality time with my son as well.

I only hope he gets well soon, drink his meds and agree to his nebulizer treatments without putting up too much of a fight. 

Yay for Friday!

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

I know all moms would be able to relate to this video. I was in tears by the end of it and I learned to appreciate  more all the small things that truly matter the most.

After watching the video, I vow to spend more "ordinary days" with Johan. After all, these ordinary days are those that are far more perfect than the rest.

What Greets Me in the Morning

The sunrise and the cityscape of Alabang. 

Working on the penthouse of a high-rise building really has its perks and one of these is this great view every morning. What a way to start a working day, right?

I bask in this view every morning while sipping free and unlimited hot caffe latte or capuccino from the office vendo machine.

Coffee is love, indeed.

How can it ever get better than this?

Johan's Great Escape

He tried it so many times and failed.

Until yesterday.

Hubby was in front the computer with his back to Johan, who was in his crib that time watching the Baby First Channel. He heard Johan call out to him but didn't mind him thinking he just wants to have the channel changed...until he heard something drop on the floor.

Johan has gotten out of his crib all by himself. He used one of his pillows, stepped on it, hoisted himself up the railings and out of his crib. The "drop" that hubby heard was Johan's buttocks hitting the floor. The sound wasn't that loud so hubby assumed Johan must have stepped on the crib's mattress from the outside and just fell sitting down. The distance from the mattress to the floor is merely seven inches, I should know - I measured it just now. =)

According to hubby Johan didn't cry. He even gave hubby a really naughty smile, as if saying, "I finally escaped!" and then stood up and walked out of the room.

I know I should have been worried and hysterical about the whole thing but I am not, well, I was at first. But when hubby told me Johan just smiled at him and didn't appear to be hurt, I am nothing but a very proud Mommy to a little boy who's growing every minute and growing up to be a very independent, creative little boy at that.

Crying Moments

I miss Johan terribly since I started working again. It's kind of a good thing that phones are prohibited in our working areas so that takes my mind off texting my MIL every so often to check on Johan. I am only able to call during lunch.

Since my first day out of the house, Johan never cried. Yes, he now wakes up the same time I do but once I turn on the television and tune in to the Baby First Channel or Disney Jr., I am free to do what I have to do before going to work - like prepare my "baon", wash his bottles, prepare what he will wear for the day, line up his vitamins, make lists and prepare myself for work.

But, yesterday was different. He cried when I went out of the house and was still crying when I boarded the jeepney. That's when I realized how hard it is to leave him behind. I wanted to get off the jeepney and return home to him. It felt like my heart was being crushed and I was in tears myself. Even when I recounted the story to my officemate, I felt like crying. It made me think if I am really doing the right thing of going back to work.

I sent a text brigade to my sisters, my mom and my cousins who are moms themselves. I am sure they'll understand how I was feeling and I trust they'll give me good advice. Unsurprisingly,  they did understand and they all said the same thing - it is just a phase. It will pass and there will come a time when Johan will get used to me going to work but he'll know that I will always return home at the end of the day.

When I stayed at home with Johan, it was hard doing all the work - taking care of him, doing the housework, trying to be a good wife to husband - but now that I am a working mom, I now understand it is doubly hard. I have to be in control of my emotions every morning when I leave for work and I have to keep myself from worrying too much if Johan's doing okay at home.

All moms would love to be always there for their kid, their presence in their kid's life is tantamount to the kid's well-being but I'd like to think that it is otherwise. The child's presence in his mom's life makes all the difference and it is not really great to be apart 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. =(

The Working Me

As I've said before, I started working again last Friday. Today's my third day in training and it's been nothing but information overload since yesterday. Even though I'm slightly familiar with the terminologies because the position I have now is almost identical as to the one I held when I was still connected with AIG, still it's an effort to remember all the information being thrown at us (me and batchmates).

I belong to Batch 7 and there are 18 of us, the largest group of new hires. As expected, everybody came from different walks of life - there are the moms, the dads, the singles. I am currently in buddies with two dads, one mom, one single lady and three single guys.

What I love about my new job is the shift. I'm on the day shift, from 8am to 5:30pm - permanently, with weekends off. That is a huge thing for me having worked on the night shift almost my entire working life. Another plus is the field of work which I am highly interested in and one which will allow me to be a licensed of after two years.

So far, the people I've met were very welcoming and accommodating. The way I see it, everybody in my batch are fast learners. That is great because that'll give us a chance to shorten our probationary period to less than six months making us regular employees which means = salary increase + additional perks/benefits!

More stories in the coming days, for now, gotta bond with Johan before bedtime.

Goodnight everybody!

How was my First Day?

I think I did pretty well.

Johan woke up almost the same time I did. He asked to be carried and I gave in while I cooked my baon for work. Good thing he let me put him down in his crib when it was time for me to take a bath.

He stayed awake until I left for work and the "tearful goodbye" (from me) that I was expecting to happen surprisingly did not take place. Though I felt really sad that I was leaving him behind, I felt more energized, refreshed and very ready to take on new roles.

Of course, I missed him the entire day. Especially when 10 o'clock struck because that was the time I usually give him his bath. During the orientation at work, I secretly sent text messages to my MIL asking how Johan was doing, if he already took his vitamins, how many bottles of milk has he consumed already or has he taken his naps.

I promised myself that I will stay calm and won't worry too much. But, the mom in me just can't help it. It's in my blood to worry.

When I arrived home, Johan was already sleeping and I think that was the saddest thing. I thought he will still be up and will welcome me with his killer smile. But he did not.

I wish he will wait for me next time.

(Oh and as for work, everything went great. I expected it to so I'm not really that worried about that. More stories in the coming days.)